Long read: Unsolvable problems in identity, some background about my DID

 

Where so called trangenders – we label everybody –  have often very severe problems in identity, there are many  psychologists that support them and there are many papers on the issue and even support groups from in and outside the transgender communities. They receive help, are able to talk about their problems, get support from different governments and official organizations, are more and more integrated in society.

Where also transgender issues could be “solved” by the ultimate act of change in gender and living a complete new life, in dissociative identity disorder (DID) you are sort of deeply cursed to stay in your  intense identity problems.

Maybe I should not have compared these two manifestations of problems in identity because compared with the transgender problems DID is much more complicated, much more severe and has no simple ‘solutions’.

So, why do you take transgenders into an example comparing it with DID?

In fact, for me there is a final desired identity in which all parts of me could  become one.

Like trangenders you feel

# you have the wrong body.

# the wrong identity.

# you should belong to another group

# they judge you wrong as what they see is not you

#you have to act as if you are somebody else

# your clothes are not yours

But in dissociative identity disorder this entire thing is dictated from ( traumatized) never grown up child-  parts that dictate your life and make you feel this way. They want you to finally become a boy.

Huh? Make you feel this way, so it is not entirely true?

In a way, you know it is impossible.

The body is growing, while you never did.

At least I know this. I could reason this…But inside,  everything… everyday… is in deep trouble not having the right identity, not being able to live the life you want. Moreover, the confusing  and very complex thing trangenders never would experience, is the child parts could be moved away by another ‘self’ that gave itself the chance to live somehow in an adult way: there is the part that does archaeology or archaeobotany, apparently living an adult life. Apparently, because writing about this immediately makes you feel that is not the real ‘ yourself’ .

But doing so, this is all fake. All of your life is a continuous fake thing, though others would regard you as some consistent “person” because you are doing things over long periods of time. But in reality, there is a war going on inside you.

In reality, child parts dominate your life and revenge for the fact they never existed, they take over when you are just walking in the streets, making you are triggered by all they see. Afterwards you have to deal with the triggers and flashbacks, reliving evil  events, this time dictated by child parts inside you that are frantic for the fact they do not exist in the real world.

You are no child.

You are no adult.

You are in the nothing in between.

Now  earlier in this article, I made this comparison with the transgender community. Let’s take some other differences, not only with trangenders, but with almost all labeled mental health groups in our country or maybe in the world.

People with DID are not supported. There are no psychologists that support you, help you or even really understand you. Society does not care about you, you are isolated, you are in  the worst position possible. Why? Because your problems are not recognized or even taken seriously. No psychologist is supporting you in becoming one person, because child parts in you made the wrong decision when you were ten years old. Because ever when you were  ten years old it was realized you were not a child, you did not live. Why did you ever decide to become a boy, to have boy identity as an example for life?

Me? I did not. I absolutely do not know why. But it happened. By than, in that situations.

Let me explain this even more clear.

Since you were so small you had intense fear for adults, you never could just go to sleep, you stayed alert all the time and lived in different worlds. Never ever had there be any adult that would be your example, to identify with. Childhood was not life. When you were seven years old, something inside you told you to end your life, and you tried to do so some times.

DSC08784-001.JPGJimmy seven years old

So you have to deal with something ‘hidden inside’ as inside you, you might change  between ‘ who you are’. This all thing makes you very vulnerable, as you realize some other ” you” might do things you do not entirely  remember.

That is so true.

There are large periods of my life I remember very well. But other parts of my life are completely gone, as if I have not lived during that periods.

Back to now.

What is now?

Here is one of the essential problems of DID. Where other people might have  a feeling of history in life, living a chronological way, my life is a mess in time. In ages, in perception,  even in dreams you are so different, so it feels like life has to start one day  as this all feels unreal. It feels like you never  really lived.

O, when you would meet me in the street, you would not notice my DID. Nobody would notice. Because that is exactly what DID is about. Pretending, changing the self, to act as if nothing ever happened to you, as if you are apparently normal, as if you are living your life. Meanwhile there is no here and now. Once it is tried to exercise ‘here and now’. It was impossible.

So, what is the future in this?

Now in the world there is actually much knowledge about this disorder, and there is even often a  very successful treatment possible where, after many, many  years of therapy, you could live a completely different life, either as one identity or in good cooperation between the self states.  These therapies are carried out by involved, empathetic very skilled therapists.

This I never have received.

Didn’t you want it?

O yes!

But I never found help in my country that could help process, learn strategies and insight how to deal with this. There has been one failed ‘therapy’ where it was forbidden to talk, where you did not learn how to deal with things and the therapist suggested you caused child abuse as a child.

Within DID, my type of identity problems and experiences were unknown, so

at 38 years old they had written me off, I was placed in the trash can and left  completely on  my own. Ever since, so 17 years now, I am looking for help to get out. Until today there has not been any help.

And during this long period of waiting for any help, it is noticed things get worse in me. You get more confused, you get stuck inside it and it is like the environment emphasizes you ‘re not really living  a life… as if it’s all only meant to fight your daily wars to become and feel safe again…

A life time you are trapped in childhood,  in which you never know who you are, in which you still  try to do pleasant things with the few people you are around you.

And for this last thing I am very grateful, because without this … maybe…

 

Problems in age related with gender in dissociative identity disorder

Officially I am ‘man’,  more specific a ‘male person 55 years old’. This is absolutely not me. Nothing of this, except male. So what or who am I?

So, you would think it is only about age, but that is not true. It is about identity. In fact I never build up a real identity and every small boy in the streets is further in that than me: they possess identity that is real and is regarded  and accepted as real.

This is why they are still my examples. They are my “how I want to become”. This is how it is felt and told inside.

When you have something like this, you are far outside society, nobody understands what is in you. You are nowhere understood, as  they judge you on body and age, or, on the fact you are able to write or live on your own.

So it is time to explain a little further.

Whenever I see small boys, I see that I want to become exactly like them, like transgenders I feel uncomfortable with this body and the identity that is given by this body. This is not me. People see something that is never me: the word I hate most about me is when they say ” Mr.” I am not a mister, I am waiting to become a boy. I am all my life waiting to get the identity of boys.

I want to run, shout, play, go, act and live like them. Have similar clothes, go to  their types of events and even want to go to school.

How do they do that identity thing?? Ever since I was ten, I realized I was wanting to become like boys- even if “officially” I was “a boy” – but I absolutely was not as I failed dramatically. I will explain that in a further post…

Everywhere around you saw boys playing  together, living a real human life, with identity, an identity in which they could do so much: being a real boy.

Meanwhile there were no adults that could ever be an example. All adults were meaningless ‘nobodies’ being occupied with all that adult stuff which
I disliked so much: they wore clothes I disliked, they were busy with religion, work, reading a newspaper, filling in papers, sitting on a chair, talking about dull things, not really having any identity.  Besides of this, adults never spoke to me, and growing up in violence, it has never been a n example to become like them, while e.g. teachers or other adults were meaningless to me, as they never did anything special, I can’t remember one special occasions in this, as if I never have existed.

Small boys can cycle, play, talk about nice things, could run, laugh and seem to be completely free. It’s just like everything they do is real and I’m an absolute fake – nonsense object.

So, I’m easily triggered by boys which is cruel to have in your mind, they showing me I never have been a child, never have had any identity and it really feels like you are before getting any identity.

In fact people misjudge and prejudice you based on the body which causes new ( traumatic) issues, such as people thinking you want bad things when you have boys as examples for identity. This is the worst scenario possible to have in life: you live with boys in your mind day and night as for not being able to get real any identity, but in stead of becoming  like them, others  point at your body which is considered bad compared with boys.

This entire thing is caused in identity disorder that has taken me, so in this you are kept hostage by what is inside split off, even when you realize that you are unable to  get identity for yourself as you feel so empty and unreal.

So that is the most awful thing to carry: you realize,it is stupid or crazy to become a boy, while meanwhile the most of your feeling is dictating you that way. This is not only confusing yourself as not knowing which part I am, but also leading to the situation that I never have been child or adult in my life, even more, it often feels like I never lived a life and I’m waiting till it’s all starting.

O yes, how I would have been completely other than this, being gay, transgender, inter-sexual, or whatever, but not this, as I can’t control what is dictating my life- maybe some parts of me  which are very young…

I hate myself for not having identity end yes, parts of me hated me that much,  they destructed my life…With this, you live completely isolated, without help, without understanding as if you keep one of the last difficult problems in psychology: you never read about this and in DID this is not a common, known symptom or wish.

In some next post I hope to explain further….

 

 

 

 

 

Blog about living with dissociative identity disorder (DID)

This is the first page on a journey that I will make by this blog. That journey I make by myself, but is open to everybody who wants to know.

I am a ‘man’ with dissociative identity disorder (DID) and have some other diagnosis about psychological disorders like an attachment disorder, some personality disorders and complex PTSD.

Okay, I wrote ‘man’  some lines back, because that is what officially is ‘ me; by age and gender, but this is absolutely not how I feel.   I will tell about this later.

By the way, I am no native English speaker which you would probably have noticed, but I try to do my best to express myself in my best English, I once learned at High school.

DID has synonym for me meaning extreme lonely, having this large gap between me and society of which I am not a real part; I live a hidden life, somewhere in a small village in the Netherlands, without work, without social life and most of the time I  spent inside  my home.

For me, my DID brings me meany problems which I hope to explain in one of my future posts.

Meanwhile I have never had great understanding or help from society, have never learned how to deal with DID and its often very deviant solutions, carrying  so much with me everyday which never is solved at the end of the day; I do not  know who I am.

Those that want to learn from my daily struggle, – which does not mean I will write every day- are able to follow this blog, maybe others also recognize things by themselves or from other people suffering with DID?

In this blog I will write down many personal things which is the reason there is not a ‘ about me’ section and to tell how difficult life is, living with dissociative identity disorder.

I hope this blog is worthwile reading and alos hope ” I” will not make a mess of it…