Where so called trangenders – we label everybody – have often very severe problems in identity, there are many psychologists that support them and there are many papers on the issue and even support groups from in and outside the transgender communities. They receive help, are able to talk about their problems, get support from different governments and official organizations, are more and more integrated in society.
Where also transgender issues could be “solved” by the ultimate act of change in gender and living a complete new life, in dissociative identity disorder (DID) you are sort of deeply cursed to stay in your intense identity problems.
Maybe I should not have compared these two manifestations of problems in identity because compared with the transgender problems DID is much more complicated, much more severe and has no simple ‘solutions’.
So, why do you take transgenders into an example comparing it with DID?
In fact, for me there is a final desired identity in which all parts of me could become one.
Like trangenders you feel
# you have the wrong body.
# the wrong identity.
# you should belong to another group
# they judge you wrong as what they see is not you
#you have to act as if you are somebody else
# your clothes are not yours
But in dissociative identity disorder this entire thing is dictated from ( traumatized) never grown up child- parts that dictate your life and make you feel this way. They want you to finally become a boy.
Huh? Make you feel this way, so it is not entirely true?
In a way, you know it is impossible.
The body is growing, while you never did.
At least I know this. I could reason this…But inside, everything… everyday… is in deep trouble not having the right identity, not being able to live the life you want. Moreover, the confusing and very complex thing trangenders never would experience, is the child parts could be moved away by another ‘self’ that gave itself the chance to live somehow in an adult way: there is the part that does archaeology or archaeobotany, apparently living an adult life. Apparently, because writing about this immediately makes you feel that is not the real ‘ yourself’ .
But doing so, this is all fake. All of your life is a continuous fake thing, though others would regard you as some consistent “person” because you are doing things over long periods of time. But in reality, there is a war going on inside you.
In reality, child parts dominate your life and revenge for the fact they never existed, they take over when you are just walking in the streets, making you are triggered by all they see. Afterwards you have to deal with the triggers and flashbacks, reliving evil events, this time dictated by child parts inside you that are frantic for the fact they do not exist in the real world.
You are no child.
You are no adult.
You are in the nothing in between.
Now earlier in this article, I made this comparison with the transgender community. Let’s take some other differences, not only with trangenders, but with almost all labeled mental health groups in our country or maybe in the world.
People with DID are not supported. There are no psychologists that support you, help you or even really understand you. Society does not care about you, you are isolated, you are in the worst position possible. Why? Because your problems are not recognized or even taken seriously. No psychologist is supporting you in becoming one person, because child parts in you made the wrong decision when you were ten years old. Because ever when you were ten years old it was realized you were not a child, you did not live. Why did you ever decide to become a boy, to have boy identity as an example for life?
Me? I did not. I absolutely do not know why. But it happened. By than, in that situations.
Let me explain this even more clear.
Since you were so small you had intense fear for adults, you never could just go to sleep, you stayed alert all the time and lived in different worlds. Never ever had there be any adult that would be your example, to identify with. Childhood was not life. When you were seven years old, something inside you told you to end your life, and you tried to do so some times.
Jimmy seven years old
So you have to deal with something ‘hidden inside’ as inside you, you might change between ‘ who you are’. This all thing makes you very vulnerable, as you realize some other ” you” might do things you do not entirely remember.
That is so true.
There are large periods of my life I remember very well. But other parts of my life are completely gone, as if I have not lived during that periods.
Back to now.
What is now?
Here is one of the essential problems of DID. Where other people might have a feeling of history in life, living a chronological way, my life is a mess in time. In ages, in perception, even in dreams you are so different, so it feels like life has to start one day as this all feels unreal. It feels like you never really lived.
O, when you would meet me in the street, you would not notice my DID. Nobody would notice. Because that is exactly what DID is about. Pretending, changing the self, to act as if nothing ever happened to you, as if you are apparently normal, as if you are living your life. Meanwhile there is no here and now. Once it is tried to exercise ‘here and now’. It was impossible.
So, what is the future in this?
Now in the world there is actually much knowledge about this disorder, and there is even often a very successful treatment possible where, after many, many years of therapy, you could live a completely different life, either as one identity or in good cooperation between the self states. These therapies are carried out by involved, empathetic very skilled therapists.
This I never have received.
Didn’t you want it?
But I never found help in my country that could help process, learn strategies and insight how to deal with this. There has been one failed ‘therapy’ where it was forbidden to talk, where you did not learn how to deal with things and the therapist suggested you caused child abuse as a child.
Within DID, my type of identity problems and experiences were unknown, so
at 38 years old they had written me off, I was placed in the trash can and left completely on my own. Ever since, so 17 years now, I am looking for help to get out. Until today there has not been any help.
And during this long period of waiting for any help, it is noticed things get worse in me. You get more confused, you get stuck inside it and it is like the environment emphasizes you ‘re not really living a life… as if it’s all only meant to fight your daily wars to become and feel safe again…
A life time you are trapped in childhood, in which you never know who you are, in which you still try to do pleasant things with the few people you are around you.
And for this last thing I am very grateful, because without this … maybe…